This story about the ten bridesmaids is kind of a strange one, and I confess I’ve often judged the so-called wise bridesmaids for being stingy with their oil. The other five need some, and sharing is good, right? However, as I sit with this story, there’s something that feels familiar about the way the five foolish ones ask for the oil. I look again at how the wise women respond to them, and I wonder if they might have some wisdom to offer me.

For reasons I don’t understand, these ten women are tasked with waiting up for a bridegroom and lighting his way to the wedding feast. In order to do that, they need an adequate amount of lamp oil. Half of them take this responsibility seriously and prepare well, and half of them flake out. When it’s crunch time, the foolish ones turn to the responsible ones and basically ask them to make up for their lack. The wise women say no. They’ve taken responsibility for themselves, and when the others insist that they take responsibility for them too, they refuse. They can't divide their oil and still fulfill their responsibility. They’re not being selfish; the wise bridesmaids simply recognize that they can’t solve the others’ problem. Wise women indeed.

I totally identify with the responsible women, and this story feels a lot like the Group Project Hell I experienced in school. You know what I mean, right? The teacher would assign a project and put us into groups, and some worked hard and some didn’t. Then everyone in the group either got a good grade because of the hard-working students or a bad grade because the slackers dragged everyone down. I was not one to settle for a bad grade, so I would persevere with the other hard-working group members, and we would bring the slackers with us. I’ve tended to take responsibility for myself, and when someone comes along who’s not dependable, sometimes I’ve taken responsibility for them too. I give them all of my oil, figuratively speaking, and then feel depleted. Even if we all get good grades, though, that’s a foolish thing to do.

Being wise about boundaries has been a life-long challenge for me. Sometimes it’s because I genuinely want to be generous to people in need, but it can also be a people-pleasing thing to do or the path of least resistance. Sometimes it’s easier just to give in. However, when I take responsibility for other people, I’m not taking good care of myself, and I'm not really helping them, either. Sometimes the most loving thing I can do is recognize what’s mine to carry and what isn't. Maybe the wise bridesmaids understand something that I sometimes forget: I can care deeply about someone without taking responsibility for everything that happens to them. I can accompany someone without doing their work for them. I can be generous without giving away what I need to fulfill my own calling.

Also, it’s not just about doing it all myself. Even if I have plenty of oil, there’s a dark side to trying to light the way on my own. In our parable, there’s not just one bridesmaid carrying all the extra oil; there are five. Together they complete the thing they’re called to do; they share the responsibility of lighting the way. Asking for help is another form of self-care. Like our wise bridesmaids, I don’t expect others to be responsible for me, but I don’t have to light up the world on my own either. Being responsible doesn't mean I have to be self-sufficient. We need each other, right? We need people who replenish us, encourage us, and help us keep our lights burning.

These wise women remind me of something I heard on Brené Brown's podcast, Unlocking Us. She talks about cultivating a “strong back, soft front, and wild heart,” a concept developed by Buddhist teacher Roshi Joan Halifax.

Having a strong back means being grounded in who we are, knowing our values, and being willing to stand firm when we need to. A soft front means remaining open and compassionate, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and connected to other people. And a wild heart? That's about having the courage to live authentically, to speak our truth, and to resist the temptation to shape ourselves around other people's expectations. It's a balance of strength, tenderness, and courage.

Roshi Joan Halifax puts it beautifully: “If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open.”

Wow. That's some wisdom. And it makes me think that this is about more than what I do when I'm assigned a group project. It's about how I am in the world. Can I stand firm in who I am without becoming hard or defensive? Can I remain generous and compassionate without abandoning myself? Can I have the courage to live my truth, even when someone else might not like it? This practice calls me to belong to myself first, to speak and live my truth rather than sacrificing that to appease others. I'm responsible for living this way. No one can do it for me, and I can't do it for someone else either.

Our wise bridesmaids seem to have strong backs and soft fronts too. They hold true to their boundaries with their foolish counterparts but are generous to the bridegroom. They stay through the night and are prepared to light the way when he arrives. They have a job to do, and they do it. It’s not about the other five. Their mission is to accompany the bridegroom into the feast, and when it's time, they're ready.

Jesus, who's both genuine and generous, someone with a strong back, a soft front, and the wildest of hearts, tells this story to remind people to be attentive and ready for God's presence. And part of that readiness is taking responsibility for our own spiritual lives. We need to be attentive to God's presence and God's call, and no one can do that for us. As we serve God and others, we recognize that we’re called to be generous, but we aren't called to be everything for everyone. We participate in God's loving care, but we don't have to be God.

So, let’s be wise. Let’s strengthen our backs, soften our fronts, and let our hearts remain wild and open. May we have the wisdom to know what’s ours to carry and what isn't. May we have the courage to set boundaries when we need them, the generosity to share what we can, and the humility to ask for help when we can’t light the way on our own. And may we keep our lamps burning, ready to recognize the presence of God whenever it comes.

For reflection:

With whom do you identify in this story? Are you a wise or foolish bridesmaid?
How are you with boundaries? Do you tend to err on the side of giving in to other people or being more rigid with boundaries?
Which is more challenging, a strong back or a soft front, and which comes more naturally to you?
What’s God’s invitation for you?

Not sure if this this furry friend is wise or foolish, but it’s definitely a sloth. :)

By Sister Leslie Keener, CDP

Sister Leslie Keener, CDP is the director of God Space, a vibrant spirituality ministry building community in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky. A Sister of Divine Providence, she holds a Master’s in Ministry and a Certificate in Spiritual Direction and Retreats from Creighton University. Sister Leslie guides retreats, offers spiritual direction, and nurtures vocations within her community. Passionate about helping people encounter God in everyday life, she delights in the Virtue of Simplicity, meaningful conversations, dancing, and spicy food along the way.

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